I've had to postpone sharing this topic for almost a year now because I have honestly had trouble taking my own advice. There are months where I reach serious emotional growth spurts, then times where I have to start my healing process all over. In November of 2015 I had to say goodbye to a man who treated me with so much respect and love. He is someone who I could have spent my life with. I spent the last year in complete denial that this man no longer wanted to put up with my petulant bullshit.
I could write a book on everything you do wrong in a relationship. But for the sake of my dignity; I will just cover healthy ways to overcome heartbreak...
•Sixty Day Rule
Create separation from your ex. Preferably a 60 day period of time. Trust me when I say, YOU NEED THIS SPACE! My ex was someone I leaned on every time I experienced hardships. He was my crutch and I forgot how to self soothe. You're going through a heartbreak and instinct will lead you to reach out to this person for comfort. When you feel like you want to reach out, call a friend instead. I also played somewhat of a mental game with myself. When I felt the need to text or call him, I held out for one minute longer. That one minute can put so much into perspective and help you realize you can get through this situation without him/her.
•Self Help Audio & Books
I seriously love Youtube. It is such an awesome place for almost anything these days. I was able to find a plethora of self help mentors that I gain knowledge and advice from daily. Here are a few of my favorites:
WARNING: Do not seek help from channels with video titles like, "How to Get Your Ex Back". Following the advice given from these channels lead you into a place of in-authenticity and it will always backfire. Yes, I can speak from experience. And yes, I would almost reel him in every time (in a somewhat deceitful way). But then what? I'm still not the person that I want to be, so what good am I in a relationship?
As I have stated in previous post, I am obsessed with reading. I purchase all of my books off Amazon for a few cents or dollars. I really can't name all of my favorites, but a few books I read that changed my perspective during my break up are:
•Volunteer/Join Clubs & Communities
When I first dove deep into my healing, I started volunteering. LAWorks has some amazing organizations that you can join. I started mentoring young single mothers living in a community home. I realized as I was giving them advice that I need to start listening to my damn self.
Another magical hobby I picked up was running. I always hated running for as far back as I can recall. Perfect! Time to run 5-8 miles every Wednesday night with a running crew. lol I joined the amazing BlacklistLa community. The group of people in this organization inspired me weekly - to be my best physically. There was so much encouraging energy and it was exactly what my body and mind needed at that time frame.
•Feel The Shit Out of Your Feelings. Say No to Numbing.
The first instinct when we are coming out of a relationship is to go out and party, drink & smoke or maybe jump into bed with someone new. I did all of these things religiously before I got into my relationship. None of it made me happy, or feel worthy. Do not be scared to stay in your hurt. I know it feels like you might die or even worse, feel like you could care less if you did, but I promise that it strengthens you. Till this day there are times where I know he's moving on and meeting new women. What do I do? I cry. I allow myself to feel everything. I even honor the ridiculous thoughts that come to my mind, filled with insecurity and jealousy. Then I move on. Just like that.
A great rule I made for myself is to schedule 10 minutes of your day, everyday, to feel sad and release those feelings of grief. This prevents them from creeping up on you. Something about scheduling your pain makes you feel a little bit more productive and together when it feels like life is falling apart. The best feeling is when you come to the end of your day and realize you didn't need a scheduled date with your sadness :)
•Spend Time Alone
You are NOT boring! You discover your unique beauty inside of your solitude. Discover this so when someone else see's it, you respond in agreement instead of pushing them away because of your disbelief. I have a love/hate relationship with my solitude. I am currently head over heels.
If you're up for it, take solo trips. This is a tradition I started last year when my relationship was falling apart. I take a trip by myself every year to do some soul exploration without the chatter and distraction of my every day life.
•Set Intentions For Your Next Relationship
After you've fully healed your wounds and feel like you're in a place to open up your heart again, write down your specific needs for your next love experience. What kind of partner do you want? Expressing your needs on paper is a powerful tool for the universe to understand what you're seeking. Only do this when you are ready, darling.
In retrospect, I realize this break up needed to happen in order for me to dig deep into self discovery. There were major gems to be found when I finally faced all my issues. Through this growth and developed strength, I not only became strong, I also connected with strong people who push me to be my absolute best. If this heartbreak didn't happen, I wouldn't have re-evaluated my life and found amazing, inspiring friends. I would have stayed stagnant and remained the person I was. I also had to make sure I was doing this growing for myself - and not for the benefit of a possible relationship reconciliation. For awhile, I had hopes that if he noticed my outward growth, we would get back together. This is not genuine, authentic growth.
I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that my heart has been made pure and I no longer respond from a place of desperation. He is someone I honestly want in my life forever but I'm finally learning how to love him from afar and stay open to what the universe is offering me.
I am no longer scared to share my beautiful energy with the world.